Rain, Rain, Go Away

3 Jul

For the past several weeks, it has been pouring in NYC.  Good weather for crops to grow and a heart to harden.  I have drained all possible solutions to this madness I have placed myself into.  I have cried and cried and cried, but nothing has come out of it yet.  I am waiting- to see my life’s field overflow with abundance.  But, perhaps my tears are too salty for anything to grow right now.  Yet, I have watered my cheeks in hopes of growing a smile and uprooting this depression that is older than my birth.

This sadness is too old to count with the memories that have shaped the very fiber I have become.  I hate to resort to sadness, but I find myself there more and more these days.  I want to be like the Buddha, who says things like:

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows  him, like a shadow that never leaves him”…

I want happiness to follow me like that stray cat that you once fed and now will not let you cross the street in peace without him crossing in-between your ankles.  But until then, I find myself alone, tightly sealed in a black plastic garbage bag, waiting for the garbage truck to take me away.  And while I am in this bag of garbage, I try to sort all this waste out.

For the past couple of years I have been loosing “friends.”  The people I have been there for as much as a freelance, student, single mother, often unemployed, in a unstable living situation can.

I look into myself to reflect and I ask myself: am I really such a horrible person? Or maybe it is just that I am a horrible friend.  There is a difference.  It is like those men who are great fathers, but terrible husbands… But, back to me.  What is it about me that I cannot keep a friend?  Is everyone around me growing, dying, or stagnant and in result I am being left behind or leaving others in my dust?

For me, it is especially hard to loose close companions because I do not have family in the States.  So, when a friend leaves, it feels more like abandonment.

***

So, that is what I intend to do.  To mind my own business. To do exactly what I want to do without worrying myself with what others think I should do.  To write in fragments without grammar and punctuation.

And after this storm, after the puffiness in my eyes go down, and the clouds break away, I will look at my rainbow over my mountain (Hi! Zion) and enjoy the view from the top.

Thank You blog world for the release, the rain is clearing…

Be Well in Writing,

Judy

Advertisements

One Response to “Rain, Rain, Go Away”

  1. Kari July 21, 2009 at 5:17 am #

    Nah, it aint u, it’s them. Fools don’t like the truth

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: